Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Love is always patient and kind.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.