got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.