People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
moms in horror movies
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u