I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.