It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”