[loses house key, starts a new life]
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Introverted vegans go meetless
Name this drama.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!