A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
some Old Testament wisdom
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!