Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
‘I know a black person’
– White people
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel