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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now