cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
True statement👍😏😁
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?