Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
🙀🙀🙀😹
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*