Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m being attacked 😭
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Huge, if true.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.