My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
How to woo a woman
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.