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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets