I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
![]()
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.