Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Flowers bee like
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs