I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.