terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.