Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
You Might Also Like
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.