I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…