Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
You Might Also Like
😂😂
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Flock of bats
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what