Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
#Caturday
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item