Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover