[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.