*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Is this you?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”