I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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I wish I were this cool 😂
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.