Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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Worst bar ever.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”