When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
This is amazing.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”