I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Why I divorced her.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”