Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”