Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.