Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”