Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
One of the best
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions