Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
🤣dope