[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.