Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Social distancing in Australia:
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.