Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Planet of the Apps.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
did it work
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner