This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Eat…
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..