[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
smartest karate player in the world
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.