Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
real
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?