TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.