ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.