me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?