Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.