Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Straight people are cancelled
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.