Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.