When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
#Caturday
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Just this preview of the story is enough
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.