I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale