Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
You Might Also Like
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol