Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
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Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
who will stop them
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.